Review: Bret Michaels - Rock My World

Label: VH1 Classics

Released: June 3, 2008

Bret Michaels' stupid reality show (I guess it's redundant to call reality tv stupid) takes its name from the shallow lyrics of Rock My World's opening track, "Go That Far." Frankly, bad as it is, it's still the best this album has to offer. From there, it's all downhill into a series of rock clichés (did he really sing, "Gave her a diamond ring, now I want it back / Besides she sucked in the sack?"), ballads duller than the ones he did in Poison and failed attempts at expanding into other styles (I didn't need Bret's take on power-pop or country rock). Even the song he named after his daughter is about as emotionally honest as a lap dance.

Poison was simple and shallow. But in a simple, shallow genre, they stood out. Why? Perhaps they were more fun. Maybe their hooks were better. I don't know, but after listening to Rock My World, I'm pretty sure Mr Michaels didn't have much to do with it. This is supposedly the best tracks from his last two releases with three new songs thrown in. That means that his very best efforts from the last five years still add up to crap. It looks like romance isn't the only train wreck in his life.

Ratings
Satriani: 5/10
Zappa: 5/10
Dylan: 1/10
Aretha: 1/10
Overall: 1/10

If you're curious about my rating categories, read the description.

Review: Queensryche - Take Cover

Label: Rhino

Released: November 13, 2007

A cover here and there isn't a bad thing and often playing covers helps a band know itself. But there's a big difference between the occasional cover that pops up on an album or a live set and releasing a whole album of someone else's songs. This trend, similar to the current trend of Hollywood remakes, made me fear for the creative future of rock n roll until I realized that the bands making these albums are generally those whose creative force have either never been strong or are so far in the past that they may just as well not have existed. While most who can take honest stock of Queensryche today would argue that they are the latter, I tend to think of them as a band who was, despite a good deal of technical prowess, not all that interesting in the first place.

Needless to say, I didn't expect Take Cover to be very compelling and it wasn't. The covers on this album range from uninteresting to unlistenable. Of all the tracks, I suspected a band as emotionally crippled as Queensryche had the best shot at success with the deliberate coldness of Pink Floyd's "Welcome to the Machine." Instead of allowing their weaknesses to work as a strength, they feebly attempt to make it emotional. Of course, they fail, but success wouldn't have been much better. It's as if they never understood the song in the first place.

When I saw "For What It's Worth" on the track list, I was surprised, but Queensryche did kind of fancy themselves social commentators. Unlike Buffalo Springfield though, they failed to recognize that love is a big part of social protest and their cover doesn't have a drop of it. In most cases, I'm pleased when a band tries to add their own flair to the interpretation, but there's one caveat: the change has to work. This one doesn't. A band with all the political import of the Candyskins was able to move me more with their lite jangle pop version.

They go on to rob "For the Love of Money" of its groove (it's sad when you're outdone by the Bullet Boys), "Innuendo" of its power (Geoff Tate is a sad excuse for Freddie Mercury and he's closer than any of his band mates are to their counterparts in Queen), "Synchronicity II" of its urgency (did they read that one right off of the sheet music?) and "Red Rain" of its poignancy (I didn't think it was possible not to be moved by that song). I don't think I can even bring myself to talk about their misdeeds on "Bullet the Blue Sky," but it certainly would have been bad enough without extending it past 10 minutes. Were they being serious with that one or was it supposed to be funny? Even though I couldn't bring myself to laugh, I hope comedy was their goal.

The bottom line is that a good cover should do more than just a reinterpret the music. It should show an understanding and, more importantly, a love for the song. Either Queensryche doesn't love the songs on Take Cover or they are completely incapable of conveying their love. Either way, this album is a failure even among all the failures that make up this sad new convention practiced by bands that are desperately trying to show their relevance.

Rating: 1/10

Review: Supagroup - Fire for Hire

Label: Foodchain Records

Released: September 25, 2007

Not every copy is a bad thing. There are times when a band can ingest a variety of influences and spit them back as something fresh even if it isn't entirely new. Supagroup is not such a band.

On Fire for Hire, Supagroup manages to steal from a whole host of 70s and 80s hard rock groups to the point that much of it is almost indistinguishable. The vocals are just a tempered Bon Scott (and we all know that temperance and Bon Scott don't mix). Much of the music comes across as cheap Van Halen, probably as they would have sounded if they had a thoroughly mediocre guitarist rather than Eddie. In a genre that has experienced more than its share of mediocrity, Supagroup fails to even rise to the middle of the pack.

As if the music itself weren't bad enough, the lyrics may just be an all-time low. Rock lyrics don't tend to be poetry, but just about anyone can beat this:

I was changing gears, with a whiskey and a beer,
When I felt her hand on my thigh,
You know you can't tell that they're underage,
When you're looking at 'em from behind.

As you might expect, the story continues with the protagonist being chased down by the law. Faced with a roadblock, he breaks through, killing an officer in the process. Wow, that makes Ice-T's "Cop Killer" look intelligent. At least Ice-T wasn't making a case for statutory rape. In the chorus, he sings, "I'm only a man, looking at fifteen years to life." Wrong, you're a stupid man and you should get fifteen years for making this record alone.

If I had to give Supagroup credit for something, it'd be that they play with some energy. The problem is that what they're doing isn't worthy of energy, so in a sense, even that is a fault. If you're a misogynist, a moron or both, you might really dig this album. As for me, I found that I could fast-forward through much of the second half of the album and not miss anything.

Here's their e-card. Send it to people you hate (unless they're dumb enough to actually want to buy the album).

Rating: 1/10 (They probably would have gotten 3/10, but they lost two points for the statutory rape lyrics.)

Website

Myspace

Review: Superdude - Pothead Punk

Label: Ace Records

Released: August 7, 2007

Superdude seems to rely an awful lot on his reputation. Unfortunately for him, that reputation isn't very current. I don't even think it was ever all that substantial. His entire being seems to stem from some time he spent at the Factory with Andy Warhol. I've heard of the Factory, of course, and done a little bit of reading about it, but I'd never heard of Superdude. I googled "factory warhol superdude" to find out what I was missing. As it turns out, that only returns links promoting Superdude and nothing that indicates he was any kind of real insider. Sure, there's a picture of him standing behind Warhol with a lot of Factory regulars, but that is only proof that he was there, not that he mattered. It seems the only person who considers him a real insider is Superdude himself. He also likes to point out that he emceed at CBGBs and Max's Kansas City, introducing the likes of the New York Dolls, but that hardly seems like a reason to suspect he'd make great music either. So, I wondered, "Why does Superdude name-drop rather that talk about his real accomplishments?" The answer is probably pretty obvious even without listening to the tunes.

Like Superdude, I really don't want to spend a lot of time talking about his music. I can really summarize it in one word: awful. If you don't like that one, pick from these: bad, rotten, dumb, poorly produced, poorly played, poorly written, unoriginal, uninteresting, unlistenable (need I continue?). In a way, I kind of feel bad for Superdude. All those years of being on the periphery of fame must have been hard to take. But this album won't make it any easier. It's as if he's jumping up and down, screaming, "Hey! Look at me! I met Andy Warhol! I saw the New York Dolls! I'm really something! I'm an artist!" That'd be like meeting Einstein at a party and then claiming to be a genius. It doesn't work that way.

You know maybe I'm wrong though, because he did win Best Rock and Best Reggae at the 2006 Global Marijuana Music Awards. Next stop: the Grammies!

Rating: 1/10