Review: Judas Priest - Nostradamus

Label: Epic

Released: June 17, 2008

By basing their latest album on the life of the famous 16th Century French clairvoyant, Judas Priest opened themselves up to a wide variety of clever (and not-so-clever) quips. In anticipation of the release, I think I've gotten most of that out of my system over the last few months. Nonetheless, I will do something special for this review: I'll write two, one (in the spirit of Nostradamus' foretelling of disaster) will be a prediction before I listen and the other a reaction after I listen. In the end, I guess we'll see if I share any of Nostradamus' gifts. (Would that make me Nostrabobus?)

Prediction: While Judas Priest is surely one of the giants of heavy metal (in the shadow of perhaps only Iron Maiden and Black Sabbath), their recent history isn't that inspiring. When Rob Halford left, they replaced him with Ripper Owens, a guy who was making his money trying to sound like Halford in a cover band. That doesn't exactly show a desire to move on. The non-Halford albums apparently weren't anything to get excited about, but Halford's return on 2005's Angel of Retribution proved that Halford wasn't the only missing ingredient. So, Judas Priest is coming off of their sketchiest period since 1986's Turbo and what do they decide to do to rejuvenate themselves? They make a concept album (and a long one at that) about perhaps the silliest, most clichéd subject they could find. They may just as well have written a concept album about Sasquatch (of course at least that one would have the potential for humor). So, my prediction, whether calculated or clairvoyant, is that Nostradamus will be an overwrought, egotistical debacle. I believe that it will be long on pretentious attempts at high art so to speak and short on the concise, driving metal that made Judas Priest great. The lyrics will be silly, yet will also be taken way too seriously by the band, as if the story of Nostradamus is important to history and philosophy rather than just just a persistent pop culture fascination. Basically, the album is gonna suck.

Review: First of all, what's up with all the synth? More than once, I expected Judas Priest to break in "The Final Countdown." A Judas Priest album should never make me think of Europe. And where are the songs that the album is structured around? I understand that a concept album is a different animal and I won't begrudge a good one a few extra filler songs that can't stand on their own, but Nostradamus is over 100 minutes long, so it needs more than a few songs to be standouts. As it is, there are only a couple songs that actually have any focus. Aside from those, there are just so-so Priest moments adrift in an otherwise aimless album. Those two forgivable songs have Priest pretending to be their metal rivals from 25 years ago. It seems a shame that band who did so much to establish their own sound, and an oft-copied one at that, should release an album whose best songs wear their Maiden-envy on their sleeves. Rob Halford's voice is still among the best in metal, but if he wants to make an album like this, perhaps he should try opera instead.

All of that makes for a bad album, but their is a more fundamental problem. I'd be glad to see Judas Priest push past their established sound and stretch out into new territory, making a case for their continued existence. However, it isn't their music that they were trying to stretch here, it was their egos. I can't help but think that Priest wanted to prove that they weren't just a bunch of "dumb metalheads," but perhaps they should have consulted Iron Maiden about more than just their sound, because Maiden based songs on epic poems, history and the Book of Revelations. Judas Priest wants us to take Nostradamus, based on what amounts to a persistent pop culture icon, just as seriously. As much as the lackluster, unfocused music, the overly processed sound and the bow to their rivals are bad, their attempt to pass off the story of Nostradamus as a serious topic is just insulting. Maybe they are just "dumb metalheads."

So, am I Nostrabobus? Perhaps. My prediction was fairly accurate, but probably more due reason than any sixth sense, and like Nostradamus, being a little vague didn't hurt my cause. So, clairvoyant or not, there's one thing I know: Nostradamus is awful.

Ratings
Satriani: 7/10
Zappa: 4/10
Dylan: 3/10
Aretha: 1/10
Overall: 2/10

If you're curious about my rating categories, read the description.

Review: Asia - Phoenix

Label: EMI America

Released: April 15, 2008

I was never quite sure if Asia was actually all that good. They were one of the first bands that I got really into once I got over Kiss. On one hand, they seem an awful lot like an AOR band. On the other hand, it's three prog giants along with the a guy who brought us the quirky "Video Killed the Radio Star" (and played on Yes' Drama album). Their pedigree is good, but I still wonder if "Heat of the Moment" and "Only Time Will Tell" appeal to me because they're actually good or simply because they caught me at a young age when everything was new and exciting. Over the years, I've wavered on this subject. Asia, AOR or not, is a solid, albeit safe, rock album. Of course, Alpha just had a catchy pop song and a lot of filler. After that point, only Geoff Downes was a constant with Palmer, Wetton and Howe in and out of the band over the course of several forgotten albums. For whatever reason, I can neither dismiss Asia nor shake the nagging suspicion that they aren't all that good.

Phoenix is the first effort from the original lineup since 1983. With their first new material in 25 years, perhaps Asia could answer my question now that I could hear the music without all the nostalgia that surrounds the old songs. The album opens up promisingly enough. "Never Again" isn't quite on par with the material onAsia, but it's in the same vein. Unfortunately, that's the last decent track on the album. "Nothing's Forever" starts off with some of the same grandiose prog-pop, but quickly devolves into a synthy lite-soul ballad that reeks of everything bad about the 80s. After "Heroine," I'm pretty much done with Phoenix. It's supposed to be emotional and heartfelt, but the lyrics are laughable and the music flat. From that point on, it's just a chore to continue. There are a few so-so prog parts in "Sleeping Giant/No Way Back/Reprise," but they more than offset those few moments of listenability with the New Age-y "Wish I'd Known All Along," a Howe-penned song so bad that it probably makes his career a wash. The rest of the album just makes me wonder why at least someone among these four seasoned musicians didn't stop and ask, "Why are we doing this?"

So, was Asia a guilty pleasure? If they were ever as good as they seemed to me 26 years ago, I'd think they'd have something left even today. Because Phoenix has practically no redeeming quality, it seems Asia's debut is to be sadly relegated to something I like despite itself. Phoenix doesn't even fare that well, because there is simply no pleasure, guilty or otherwise. I guess everything that rises from the ashes isn't good.

Ratings
Satriani: 9/10
Zappa: 4/10
Dylan: 2/10
Aretha: 1/10
Overall: 2/10

If you're curious about my rating categories, read the description.

Review: Hot Chip - Made in the Dark

Label: Astralwerks

Released: February 4, 2008

Chuck and I tried this once before with Out_Circuit's Pierce the Empire with a Sound. It went well enough that we decided to take another shot at it with Hot Chip's latest, Made in the Dark. Things definitely had a better flow this time and I was surprised at how well we fed off of each other's thoughts. Anyway, without further ado, here's what we thought of the Hot Chip album:

taotechuck: You ready?

bob_vinyl: Sure.

taotechuck: I'm pressing play.

bob_vinyl: The drone is promising.

taotechuck: Yes, it is. Although it reminds of '80s arena rock. Like Aldo Nova or something. I'm waiting for a helicopter. Jee-zus. This sounds like the Knight Rider theme song.

bob_vinyl: Once the music kicks in, it's a letdown. The way the drone builds leads me to expect an explosion and I don't get that. This is like bad 80s pop filtered through hipster smugness. It doesn't do much for me.

taotechuck: I completely agree.

bob_vinyl: Some of the craziness in the background is kinda cool, but overall the song never takes off.

taotechuck: When I worked on my high school newspaper in Albuquerque, I did a monthly column where I interviewed local bands. One of the cover bands I interviewed was bragging about how they would look for the hippest new songs and play them before anyone else did. They mentioned "Tarzan Boy" by Baltimora. It wasn't until years later that I realized how awful the "cutting edge" music was that that rotten cover band was playing. This reminds me of a song that band would've covered.

bob_vinyl: "Shake a Fist" is like better 80s pop filtered through hipster smugness (and a bit of Beck).

taotechuck: "Sounds of the Studio?" Uh, more like, "Sounds of a self-important jackass."

bob_vinyl: Yeah, the whole "sounds of the studio" thing isn't clever, it's just annoying. It reminds me of the skits that popped up on hip-hop albums 15 or so years ago.

taotechuck: Besides, didn't Chemical Brothers make all these sounds like 10 years ago, and they weren't very cutting edge then?

bob_vinyl: True. Hot Chip certainly seems to be impressed with themselves and perhaps that confidence (or over-confidence) has helped them sell themselves. I don't mind being sold something, but I don't like to find out that I bought something empty when I get it home. This is a step up from "Out at the Pictures" though.

taotechuck: Wow. You're absolutely right. They do sound confident. They sound like they truly believe that they're making great music. Which is weird, because I feel like I just took a great dump.

taotechuck: You know, I hated bad Depeche Mode knockoffs in 1987. "Ready for the Floor" is like that, but 20 years too late.

bob_vinyl: "Ready for the Floor" feels a little more natural to me and I like it. It's not dark like Depeche Mode. This is less self-conscious than the previous tracks.

taotechuck: It's got more of a hook than the previous songs. It reminds me of "Everything Counts," which is not Depeche Mode's finest moment. Oh, dear God, "Bendable Poseable." Now we have Radiohead sandwiched with Depeche Mode, without the warmth or humanity of either band.

bob_vinyl: This doesn't have the warmth or humanity of a rock. Now it's back to being forced. Man, if this is their take on Radiohead, it's a pretty pathetic one. Oh, I hope they're not really trying to be Radiohead here.

taotechuck: It is forced. Do you hear what I mean, though? OK Computer era Radiohead?

bob_vinyl: Yeah, I hear it, I just hope they didn't intend it.

taotechuck: It's funny. On my first listen, I thought the production was pretty decent. The second time around, I find the production to be contrived and uninspired. Now we have the Pet Shop Boys with "We're Looking For A Lot Of Love." Great.

bob_vinyl: Any song with "love" in the title should have some kind of emotion or it's an insult to love itself. They might be "looking," but they aren't getting much love tonight, huh?

taotechuck: They could come in here with a crisp 20 dollar bill and they still wouldn't get my love.

bob_vinyl: I wonder what text book they used to learn this stuff.

taotechuck: You're right. It is very by-the-books. It's a lot like the hair metal bands who were trying to get big record deals by emulating Ratt and Dokken. But in this case, they're emulating Boards of Canada and Air and maybe Stereolab's suckiest moments. Hot Chip lacks nearly every element of great dance music. You mention love...the best dance music is all about love, and there is no love here. There was a word that was bandied about in the rave scene... plur. Peace Love Unity Respect. I don't hear any of that in Hot Chip.

bob_vinyl: This just seems like stuff they recorded to be hip and not because it lives in their heart. "Touch Too Much" is another of the decent tracks. Again, it feels more natural than the majority of what they have offered here. When I first put this on, winamp played this song first for some reason. It seemed promising. This is at least a little bit organic.

taotechuck: I suppose, but coming after five derivative and sub-par songs, it's hard for me to hear it with open ears. But... yeah, you're right. The percussion in the background, the harmonies... there is something to it.

bob_vinyl: Now they're doing Jackson Browne on "Made in the Dark." I actually like this one too. There's some emotion.

taotechuck: There's nothing wrong with doing different styles, but this is completely out of place with everything else. And it's not because it's good. But if you heard this on an album of good songs, would you like it? Hmmm... maybe.

bob_vinyl: You're right. If I liked the rest of the album, this would really throw me (in a bad way). I think this would be a good low-key break on a rock album.

taotechuck: The whole album reminds me of all the third-rate '80s bands who were riding the coattails of the handful of innovative bands of that era. It's possible that I hate Human League more than any other band, and this has all of the weaknesses of Human League. There's no depth to it.

bob_vinyl: Ooooh, it's the Fixx!

taotechuck: I thought the same thing! The Fixx!

taotechuck: Hey, now it's New Order, with a bit of Rusted Root thrown in.

bob_vinyl: New Order? You're generous. I was thinking BIlly Ocean. Actually, now the song got going, it's not bad, because the reggae undertones make it fun.

taotechuck: It's kind of fun, but it's still in a very derivative way. That's what's killing me about these guys: I don't hear a single thing that's original. There's nothing here that makes me say, "That's Hot Chip!" This has all the uniqueness of Alphaville, or Information Society, or Human League, or the aforementioned Baltimora.

bob_vinyl: I think that's because there's very little of themselves here. They seem to be more interested in being the next big thing than they do in being their own thing.

taotechuck: This sounds like the kind of band that would have hung out at Studio 54 instead of Paradise Garage or The Loft. These guys are all style and no substance. Unfortunately, their style isn't very interesting. I hate this. It doesn't deserve my mercy. Being as we're coming up on Good Friday and Easter, may I wax philosophical for a moment? This reminds me of the convenient Christianity that is preached at so many megachurches. It's all about feeling good, but there's very little capital-t Truth in it. I don't want church to make me feel good. I want church to challenge me. I want church to call me out on my BS. I want church to point out my failures in a way that inspires me to be a better person. I have no problem with a sermon that is fun or lighthearted or makes me feel good, but there has to be substance. And I feel the same way about music. This music has no substance. It is empty. It is spiritually devoid.

bob_vinyl: Right. You have to believe that the preacher means it.

taotechuck: Absolutely. I don't believe these guys. And that's sad, because the greatest dance music -- whether it's by Kraftwerk or Larry Levan or Kerri Chandler -- makes you believe what they're preaching.

bob_vinyl: I wonder if we'd feel differently if we hadn't lived through crap like this the first time? On "Hold On" they could have really bolstered it with with something that takes off the way "Don't Leave Me This Way" or "Give Your Body Up to the Music" takes off. This is so wooden.

taotechuck: When he sings "I learned all I know from wrestling," I believe him. Pro wrestling requires strength and skill, but it's ultimately fake. It's a show. Just like this.

bob_vinyl: "Wrestlers" at least isn't trying to inspire. It's lame, but its aspirations are lower so I can live with it more than "Hold On".

taotechuck: Hey, wanna make a bet? Five bucks says Pitchfork gave this at least a 7.6. I promise I haven't checked.

bob_vinyl: Okay, I'll take the under.

taotechuck: Dang. Pitchfork gave it a 7.0. "Good record but not a great one." I owe you five bucks.

bob_vinyl: "Don't Dance" might be renamed "Don't Dance Because This Isn't Worth Dancing To"...but that would end with a prepostition so I guess that's why they shortened it.

taotechuck: How about "Don't Dance Because This Isn't Worth Dancing To Because It Sucks"

bob_vinyl: Where were you when they were naming the songs?

taotechuck: Listening to something good.

bob_vinyl: "Whistle for Will" is another one that just sticks out like a sore thumb, but it's not as good as "Made in the Dark."

taotechuck: That's true. And it's not as if the vocals have anything particularly special. This is what Death Cab's "I Will Follow You into the Dark" would sound like if it weren't charming.

bob_vinyl: I like this last song. It's another one that doesn't fit and it's an odd choice to close the album with two oddball tracks. I really like the whoa-ohs in the backing vocals.

taotechuck: I agree. "In the Privacy of Our Love" is, hands down, the best song on the album. It's got a doo-wop feel to it. In a really odd way, it reminds me of some of Shudder to Think's stranger moments.

bob_vinyl: This crap at the end is just stupid. It was like, "Oh no, we have to have some kind of electronic crap at the very end."

taotechuck: Indeed. Wow. So I sat through 12 songs I hated to get to one song that was good, but I'll never play again.

bob_vinyl: If the whole album was this good, this conversation may have been a lot less fun.

taotechuck: Okay, here's my rating: Satriani: Suck/10; Zappa: Suck/10; Dylan...Okay, joke's old.

bob_vinyl: I think the album as a whole is one of the most self-conscious I've ever heard and that's fundamentally what killed it.
Satriani 6/10
Zappa 1/10
Dylan 4/10
Aretha 2/10
Overall 3/10

taotechuck:
Satriani: 6/10
Zappa: 2/10
Dylan: 3/10
Aretha: 1/10
Overall: 2/10

bob_vinyl: I had given it Aretha 1/10 too, but it got a full extra point for the last song.

taotechuck: I thought about doing that, but the pain and suffering I'm feeling wasn't alleviated by "Privacy."

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If you're curious about my rating categories, read the description.

Review: Bryan Ferry - Dylanesque

Label: Virgin

Released: June 26, 2007

One would think that an accomplished artist who dedicates an entire album to covering another single artist must be both enamored and well-versed in his or her subject. An all-Dylan Bryan Ferry release might sound a bit odd considering that Dylan speaks to our hearts in warm, organic imperfections while Ferry speaks in cold, precise formulas. Still, it at least piques some interest. How will someone like Ferry put himself into Dylan's songs without stripping them of Dylan? How will Ferry show his love and understanding of these songs?

From the opener, "Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues," it becomes clear that Ferry isn't up to the challenge. He fails to capture anything remotely reminiscent of Bob Dylan. Even the short studio time (the album was recorded in a week) doesn't loosen things up. He largely takes the music as it would appear in a songbook and plays it in his own adult pop style. It has no life, no passion, no point. When Ferry takes on the 60s protest anthem "The Times They Are A-Changin'," he shows only that the times have indeed changed, but not for the better. There is no sense of anything other than status quo in a song that should, with little effort, drip with revolutionary spirit. But even in these fragile times, Ferry can't muster anything that would stir anyone's pot on a social level (although I must say it stirs my pot a bit that he expects anyone to pay money for this album).

Dylanesque also includes two Dylan songs that were successfully covered by others, a bad choice for Ferry when he's already struggling to create credible covers for himself. "Knockin' on Heaven's Door" is a far cry from Dylan's original and Guns n Roses 1991 cover. As if that weren't sad enough, he also chooses "All Along the Watchtower." While it isn't as bad as a lot of the album, it strives more for Hendrix's definitive version than Dylan's. Even with guitar help from Robin Trower, Ferry's is an utter failure next to Hendrix.

Only once over the course of 11 tracks does Ferry come anywhere close to pulling off what he's attempted. "Positively 4th Street" is a fine, though non-essential, track where Ferry hasn't removed all semblance of Dylan's soul. It certainly doesn't make the album worth buying, but instead raises the question as to why the whole album couldn't have at least hit this mediocre bar.

One would think that Bryan Ferry must be both enamored and well-versed in Bob Dylan's work to have even attempted Dylanesque, but it doesn't take long to start wondering why Ferry would bother, because he surely neither loves nor knows Bob Dylan.

Rating: 2/10